When Diabetes Gets in The Way of Dating

He had a kind smile and dark hair, and loved to read the same novels I did, so I swiped right.

First, we flirted via text for a week. Then we agreed to meet. Mindful of my insulin-resistance, I chose a local cafe near my house for our first date. In person, his slight nervousness was endearing; it showed he cared what I thought of him. Light conversation about our favorite books deepened into confessions about his last long-term relationship and my previous marriage.

But when he texted me for a second date the next day, my heart sank. He wanted to go out for ramen. In that moment, it felt like my insulin resistance (from type 2 diabetes brought about by lupus) was a vacuum sucking all the fun from my life. My shoulders sagged under the weight of everything I couldn't eat and every activity I couldn't do. 

When I first started dating online, I worried men would see only my health condition instead of my personality. Would men resent that they couldn't split pasta with me at a nice Italian restaurant, or that we'd never stroll down a boardwalk passing an ice cream cone back and forth? Every time I had to tell a date about my food limitations, my stomach clenched. I'd spend the next hours or even days strategizing about how to explain insulin resistance, often composing text messages then deleting them before sending. Even though nearly every man I told about my food issues didn't seem bothered by them, I worried they might still secretly prefer a woman who didn't have to work so hard to stay healthy. 

For six years, I carried this mindset with me as I swiped through dating apps, rarely sticking with the same guy for more than a few months before the relationship fizzled out. Then I had an epiphany: I feared that men wouldn't accept me because of my dietary restrictions, but what was really holding me back was my own failure to accept my insulin resistance.

I feared that men wouldn't accept me because of my dietary restrictions, but what was really holding me back was my own failure to accept my insulin resistance.

I'd always seen insulin resistance as awkward baggage that had weighed me down so much I no longer resembled the fun, carefree person I once was. But after years of  growing more comfortable with my condition, my opinion changed. Eating only the foods my body can process is simply giving my body the respect it deserves and the proper fuel it needs to carry me through life. When I eat healthy, exercise, and take care of myself, I’m the most content and confident version of myself. The right person for me will appreciate the work I put into staying healthy. 

Following my divorce, it's now been eight years since I first tentatively dipped a toe into the dating pool. Since then, I've realized the silver lining of my health issues when it comes to dating: they're a good way of determining the character of the potential partners I meet. A man who is flexible enough to change dinner plans because I can't eat carbs or sugar is more likely to be the type of person who will be understanding in other areas, too. A person who listens and asks questions about my health conditions is demonstrating the kindness and empathy that I crave in a partner. .

I no longer see insulin resistance as the baggage I once did. People forget baggage is just a term for a collection of useful things we carry with us. In my case, the health conditions that follow me on dates serve as a screening process to help me find the perfect person for me.

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